A bill of rights for transit riders and pedestrians

Part two in a series.

Missed part one? Start here:

A bill of rights for cyclists and motorists

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Complaining about public transit is a local pastime that never runs out of fuel. But it often goes off the rails.

To be sure, transit riders have plenty to be angry about. Late trains. Trains too crowded to board. Major construction that never seems to end. Streetcars that have to reroute around that construction. A retired rapid transit route replaced by sluggish buses. And don’t get us started on our fellow passengers.

Toronto pedestrians, too, have nearly as much to be angry about: Reckless drivers. Rude cyclists. Urban design that treats walking as an afterthought. Waiting for the light to change. Pressing a button that doesn’t work. Getting splashed. Slipping on ice. Trying to make eye contact through deeply tinted windows with a driver who’s staring at his cellphone. Skunks. Pigeons. Dog shit. Dogs.

And so, in the second installment of our series, we set out a series of minimum standards that both sets of commuters should expect. All of these rights point to one thing: a little dignity. Is that too much to ask?

As a transit rider, you have the right to:

1. Get to your destination without death or injury.

2. A reasonable wait time that doesn’t make you wish you’d walked.

3. A bus or streetcar that isn’t bunched together with three other buses or streetcars.

4. A ride that isn’t being outpaced by grannies with walkers.

5. Ample warning of a short turn.

6. A few millimetres of personal space, free of stares, sneers and sneeze particles.

7. A seat unoccupied by gum, garbage, food, feet, pets or anything other than clothed human buttocks.

8. A streetcar exit lane unthreatened by pushy drivers and cyclists.

9. A customer experience worthy of three dollars and 35 cents.

10. A new transit project that opens within, oh, a decade of the original deadline.

As a transit rider, you are expected to:

1. Pay your three dollars and 35 cents.

2. Stand for someone who needs the seat more than you do.

3. Maintain a minimum standard of personal hygiene.

4. Use your inside voice.

5. Eat if you must, but only if you offer some to your neighbours.

6. Look upon traffic-bound motorists with pity or scorn.

As a pedestrian, you have the right to:

1. Get to your destination without death or injury.

2. A sidewalk free of bikes, cars, scooters and those irritating dudes on hoverboards. (No bill of rights for you, hoverbro!)

3. Use a crosswalk without crossing yourself first.

4. Buttons that actually trigger the WALK signal within, say, 20 seconds of pressing it.

5. Jaywalk at the 21st second.

6. Construction hoarding that doesn’t force you into traffic.

As a pedestrian, you are expected to:

1. Look up from your phone long enough to look both ways.

2. Understand that if you’re wearing dark clothes on a dark street on a dark and rainy night, you are invisible.

3. Use your right of way with caution. You may have the right to step without looking in front of drag racers, bike couriers or galloping Mounties, but that doesn’t mean you’re not a moron.